Career Coach: Find role models where you are

When I think about role models, I think of my mother. Now retired, my mother was a working mom her whole career. When I went to school, I would often hear about my friends who had their moms pick them up from school and feel a twinge of jealousy, but my mom and I often joked that she "had more important things to do than stay home and bake cookies." When Hillary Rodham Clinton as first lady made the same comment, I was about 13, and as controversy swirled around the statement, I cheered her.

My mom is my role model. She worked her entire career as a computer programmer, with only a few classes at community college along the way. Her job was hard. Every few weeks, she had to be on call; if a computer system went down for a company she supported, she would be up in the middle of the night fixing it. She'd also be on the phone, sitting at the computer in our living room, talking with colleagues about the code that needed to be fixed. At the same time, she rarely missed a ballet practice or important school event. She cooked me a healthy dinner every night, and French braided my hair every morning.

I never thought that I would be anything other than a working mom. After my first child, when I realized how hard it was to leave a small baby at home, I had my doubts. But going back to work after his birth and the births of his siblings has been the best decision I've made.

And yet, I greatly admire the moms who have chosen to stay on the home front. Without them, my son's school wouldn't have its annual fundraiser or a class parent to coordinate recognition of the teachers. Their important work in building community can't be negated.

Don't get me wrong, being a working mom can be tough sometimes. I get a lot of well-meaning questions and comments, like "I don't know how you do it," that bristle sometimes and seem to imply that somehow there's something wrong with what I'm doing. I know people mean well, but it reminds me every time that being a working mom, especially with four young children, is out of step with our impressions of what a mother should be.

I'm also aware that I am now a role model for the women in my office and my female students. I try to remember that every day and hold my head high, not complain too much about the challenges, and offer a positive vision of what being a working mom can be like. And I do love it. I love my work, and I love my children. My husband takes an equal role in parenting, and we're fortunate enough to have the money and space to support an au pair who takes care of our children who are not in school.

At work, however, I have a hard time finding role models. There are few women in the upper levels of management, and many of my close female colleagues don't have children. There are stereotypes and challenges that face us all, and as Joan C. Williams and her daughter Rachel Dempsey write in "What Works for Women at Work," the "Maternal Wall" of stereotypes hurts women with children and women without. Women with children are seen as less committed and ambitious; women without children are either seen as just about to get pregnant, or somehow out of step with the larger culture. In one example in the book, a boss asked a middle-aged woman without children, when she asked for a raise, "What do you do with all your money?"

The truth is, there are many ways to be a woman. While we continue to encourage society to accept these many variations on a theme, looking for and being role models in our workplaces and communities is essential. Even if you are in a lower-level job, or you feel like you're struggling to put together a professional demeanor because you've been up all night with a baby, or you feel like you're "just" a stay-at-home mom, you might be surprised to find that someone in your wider circle admires you and what you do. Similarly, if you have colleagues at work that you admire, telling them so might make a big difference for them. Buy them a cup of coffee and listen to how they got to where they are now.

By being and celebrating our role models, we can make a positive difference for women. And if you're interested in finding some inspiration, I'll be moderating the Women Leading Women event at the University of Maryland's Robert H. Smith School of Business on March 30. We'll be having a talk with an alumna from the Smith School, Marguerita Cheng, who has gone from working at Nordstrom's to running her own business.

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Coomber is a lecturer in management and organization for the University of Maryland's Robert H. Smith School of Business and mother to four boys. She writes about managing parenthood and work at managingmotherhood.net.