Constable: Happy to wave goodbye to the American handshake
Amid all the death, horror, sadness, grief, loneliness, financial heartache and other miseries bestowed upon us by COVID-19 is the chance to change the way we do things. Capitalism, health care, employment and other institutions might change for the better, but that will take time.
The one change that will be instituted on the day life returns to the new normal will be the end of the handshake. It's about time. Originally seen as a way to make sure no one was carrying a knife, that no longer matters when either hand could be covered in an invisible, deadly virus.
The only time I've really enjoyed handshakes is when hockey teams perform the ritual at the end of the final Stanley Cup series. The lines of opposing players taking part in the traditional handshake is hailed as a unique display of the ultimate sportsmanship. But I always saw it as an added punishment for the losers. Not only did the Chicago Blackhawks just beat you on your home ice in front of all your fans and loved ones, but now you have to stand in line to shake Patrick Kane's hand. Ha!
For the rest of us, handshakes are just one more thing to worry about at job interviews, weddings and social gatherings. It is the American way to make a first impression.
As a young boy, I learned handshakes are used to label you. We are told we need a "firm" handshake. Too soft, a sin known as the "dead fish" handshake, and you'll be branded weak and incompetent. Too hard, and you are remembered as the person who inflicts pain on others as a way of overcompensating for being weak and incompetent.
Every Sunday after church as a child, I stood in line to shake hands with the minister, hoping to receive his blessing on my firm handshake.
Even if you have perfected your handshake skills, it takes two to make a perfect handshake. You might confidently reach in to perform a masterful handshake, but if the other person clamps down too quickly, catching your fingers in his palm, you have lost. If you let go too soon, you have lost. If you hang on to the handshake too long, you have lost. If your hands are too sweaty, too rough, too soft, or too warm or cold, you have lost.
Handshakes have been around since at least the 9th century B.C., as evidenced by the ancient art carved in stone showing Assyrian King Shalmaneser III shaking hands with Marduk-zakir-šumi I of Babylon in some deal to bring peace to the area now mostly in Iran.
Historian Michael Zuckerman, in his book "Authority in Early America," says the American handshake was popularized by the Quakers, who deemed bowing a "courtly gesture of subordination" and saw the handshake as more egalitarian.
In a court of law, handshakes without accompanying witnesses or, even better, written confirmation are not legally binding.
Memorable handshakes include the civil one in 1865 between Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant and his Confederate counterpart Gen. Robert E. Lee, which marked the South's surrender and the end of all that Confederate nonsense in the once-again United States of America.
The 1938 handshake between British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and German Chancellor Adolf Hitler was orchestrated as part of an agreement ensuring "peace for our time."
At their first presidential candidate debate in 2016, a beaming Hillary Clinton shook hands with a smiling Donald Trump, who put his left hand on Clinton's back as they shook, signaling the race was going to be polite and cordial.
If the coronavirus has killed the handshake - and with it the equally annoying high-five, fist bump, elbow bump and phony kiss - we have several options. The whole Namaste bow implies a divine element that seems a bit too admirable when you are only meeting your cousin's neighbor at a graduation party.
And if we all start bowing, soon someone will come up with a way to grade our bows so they can tell who is dominant. My favorite greeting is just a simple nod in the other person's direction.
The meaning is open to interpretation, which makes it the ideal greeting, whether you are acknowledging the existence of your wife's old boyfriend at a school reunion or telling a dear friend that you think so highly of them, you aren't going to give them your germs. In other words, a subtle tilt of the head is a nod to good hygiene.